Hey, welcome back, leader. So happy you are here taking time for yourself. Listen, you're a contemplative leader. So you know when there's an episode out, it is time to put the do not disturb on your phone. I do that, by the way. Don't call me after ten p.m. I'm not going to take your text. I will not take your call. So if you wind up in jail in the middle of the night, I'm not the person to call. But we're here doing this podcast. And let me check. I don't think I have the do not disturb sign here. Okay, well, it's muted. But anyway. You are here because you know every single week I'm going to serve you and serve you very well. And you know that we're going to talk about something that you can implement right away because these are practical strategies. Contemplatives, we're not all kumbaya and meditating in the corner somewhere. No, we're doing the work. We're out here in the arena. Let me tell you, we are running with the bulls. We have our sneakers on. We're in the marathon. We are. action takers. So we're not sitting on our hands. Best believe that we are doing the work that we need to do before we go and serve our people. That's what contemplation is. That's what we get to do. We get to reflect in stillness. We get to take deep breaths so that we can clear our minds. We get to check in with ourselves, our bodies, our emotional bodies, our physical bodies, our spiritual bodies, before we go and serve the world. It's what contemplatives do. And this is what we're doing right here, right now, together. We're taking a moment to contemplate on something really important. And today we're going to talk about differentiation in leadership. Leadership is the study of differentiation. Why didn't anybody tell us this before? What do you mean? Why haven't you told us that this is how we should lead our teams, our industries, our organizations? Because we've gotten really lazy on our journeys and we have become very complacent. in that we are leading our teams in globs, like they're globs of humans. There are no soul in these people. There are no personalities. There are no gifts and talents in these individuals. We are leading them like a big nebulous cloud. And while there was a time in industry competition that we would talk about differentiating yourself in the market, right? For those of us in startup companies, for those of us, you know, founding our organizations, we want to differentiate ourselves. Okay, cool. But then you hire leaders who are just clumping all these bodies together and leading them as if they're just one giant homogenous or homogeneous way of thinking. Like, this is the only way we think around here. And this is the glob. And this is how I'm going to lead my people. What? No, I'm here to remind you, leadership is the study of differentiation. Let me tell you about how I have found this out, how I have found this to be true. During my doctoral journey, which was By the way, my doctoral program, amazing, amazing. The chair of that department, Dr. Gergen, oh my gosh, I thought she didn't like me for many years. And then right before I went to do my public defense, she prayed over me. Oh my gosh. I was like, okay, wow. She doesn't hate me. She actually wants me to succeed, but she wanted to be so... hard on us. And I think it's because I'm a woman and a Latina. She was like, this is not an easy ride. And if they're going to question why you got this PhD, best believe they will know you've earned it. You earned it just like everybody else did. And so, I don't know, it felt like she was a little extra hard on me and others that looked like me. But anyway, she prayed over me right before walking into doing my public defense, for those of you who have gone through a PhD, I think we're the only ones that do this. Um, there are milestones along your journey where you have to pass. So you're always defending your, your information, your research. Um, you know, this is your, this is your test study. Like, defend it you you created the the measurement tool you collected the data and now you've come up with these implications and the results are here and so now you got to defend your work okay cool so so there are milestones before we actually do the public defense and Whoa, public defense is no joke. This is the training ground for the trolls that I've experienced online. This is the training ground for those that like to cancel people if they disagree with you. So the public defense group, they're your trolls in real life. They're canceling you in real life, in real time. It's amazing setting. Not really. But right before I walked in, she stopped me in the hallway and she knew I was nervous. I was scared out of my mind. And she prayed over me and I was like, yep, this is, she's my best friend now forever. Like I need her in my life forever. It was such poignant moment for me. And I will never forget her beautiful heart at that moment. And so she helped me and that carried me through a two hundred and fifty slide presentation. OK, listen, I got behind that podium and there was a crowd of people dancing. about ninety percent of people i did not know and like ten percent of my my classmates and those that had already done their public defense so they knew what i was about to experience so they were there for for safety and security thank you all especially those there but anyway it was a crazy moment i'll talk about that on another episode but anyway back to this doctoral program that dr gergen ran um this program was exceptional, right? I studied the field of leadership. It was a PhD in leadership studies. So I have learned so much, spent years in learning so much. And I didn't really learn, however, in that program about differentiation. Yeah, the only thing we learned about differences was that there were different leadership styles and, you know, different ways of leading. But never, ever did I learn there that the leader, she, he, they, right here, the leader has a very interesting psychology, has a very interesting perspective, interesting way of looking at themselves and their followers. And so we learned about leadership styles that we could use in globs. Like, okay, let's try this leadership style. And by the way, here's the empirical research and here's what we can imply. This is what's going to... These are your results. This is the impact that you will have if you use this very specific leadership style. But never did I learn about... But what if the leader has some power struggles within them? What if this leader... has some very negative biases about certain people. What if this leader has some misogyny and sexism that they have been conditioned to do? This is how they behave. Whoa, nobody told me that leadership is really the study of differentiation. So what I've done for the last, gosh, twenty plus years is look at you individually, the leader. I want to know about you. I want to know about your individual biases, perspectives, mindset, values. I want to know about you standing right in front of me, because the more I know about you, the more I know about how you'll impact your employees. So I have been in the business of differentiation since I got out of that PhD program and started to do the work individually with my executives out here, my clients, incredible CEOs, VPs, chief people. These are executives that I have been training for a very long time. And it is my job to extract the brilliance from you individually, but also to see the gaps, right? Like, whoop, You're really great in this area, but we've got some interesting areas where we need to fill those gaps. And like, okay, cool. You are different. You are different. So if you see yourself as different, then why are you not seeing your people as different? Right? Because when we go and fill these job applications and we go on these interviews, we're doing everything we can to differentiate ourselves from the past. And a lot of us go to school to get a PhD to do that, certifications, program after program. It's like, when is it enough? I know, because I did this. I needed to differentiate myself from all these alpha leaders out there. I'm like, well, I don't look like them. I don't talk like them. I certainly don't think like them. And I know they weren't raised in the barrio along the Texas-Mexican border like me. So I am different. but there's a lot of noise out there and they don't see how different I am. So, oops, let me go get a PhD then so that you can see I'm different. I know, I know this because I've done this. So here we are trying to differentiate ourselves, but then we land these incredible executive leadership positions or mid-level manager positions or supervisory positions, entry-level manager positions, and we get into the pipeline of leadership, right? Because we have differentiated ourselves. We think differently, we perform differently, we behave differently. Yes, put me in, see how different I am? I would be a great leader. So you enter the pipeline of leadership, And then you forget. It's like we forget. Well, wait a minute. I'm leading these people like a glob, like a nebulous group of folks that have no talent, no personality, no values, no gifts and talents. Like you're leading them all the same, the same way. So I believe we do this. Because we've seen it done before. A lot of us are conditioned by our predecessors or our former leaders. Like I always say, you're a sum total of all the leaders that you have experienced in your life. Like even my parents, sometimes there's weird nuances of my mom and dad that come out when I'm leading. I'm like, oh, where did I learn that? Oh, I saw mom do that. Yikes. Wake up, Denise. You can't do that here. So know that you are leading unconsciously from your predecessors, from what you have been conditioned to believe about leadership. So I believe a lot of us do this. We lead blankedly, generally, in this big old blob of people. It's like, I don't see individuality. I don't see differentiation. I don't see any diversity here. I don't see, nope, it's all one big group of people. And oh, we got to treat them all the same. Who taught you that? Who told you that this is the way to lead? How far has that gotten you, by the way? Huh? So differentiation allows us to look at ourselves, us leaders, individually with our individual strengths, talents, yes, dare I say weaknesses, but also our individual values, our individual perspective on life. Because you bring your heart and your mind, your whole self into the organization. Sorry, you can't compartmentalize that part. I know a lot of you out here have tried to leave your heart at home. No, sir. No, ma'am. You take it with you. You don't have a choice. So, so many of us. We're taught to lead in this blanketed way. I hope I'm saying that correctly. In this big blob, homogeneous way, right? It's like, nobody's different around here. Because if you're different, uh-oh, then I'm going to have to care. Ooh, and if you're different, then I'm going to have, I don't want to show favoritism here. So yikes, I may like you better than this person. And oh, you know, my biases are coming out and that dude doesn't look anything like me. So, oh, he must probably hate me as a leader because I'm a woman. Oh, and you know, and I'm Mexican. So here you are saying, I'm just going to leave my heart and my soul and my mind at home. And I'm going to check in differently here when I lead these people. And oh, by the way, here's how I'm going to lead all of them. So I believe a lot of us were trained to do that. No shame in that. I get it. I was there too. And then also, I believe we do this because of our high pressure roles as leaders. A lot of us are living in crisis, in cortisol jacked up nervous systems. We have our hair on fire every day, right? We live in this chaotic environment called leadership. And so it's easier that we just lead them all the same. Nevermind that they're individually designed, divinely assigned to this role right here under my stewardship. Nevermind that they come with very specific gifts and talents and blessings. Nevermind that they too are struggling and going through some interesting chaotic things in their home life. Like nevermind that they have souls. Oh, nevermind all of that. Because that would mean I would have to care. And I don't have space to care because don't you see my hair is on fire? Don't you see I've got the fire hose behind? I'm like, let's go. Let me put out all these fires. So I don't have time to care. So there are many other reasons why I think we do this. But those are the two most powerful reasons that I have found, especially in coaching and mentoring some of these incredible executives out here. It's like, Denise, I'm too busy. Don't you know my role? I have a six-figure salary and people are counting on me to make decisions like that in a heartbeat. I don't have time to care. What do you mean? So I have to remind some of us out here that it is in the differentiation. That builds the trust. Let me explain how that is true. So here you are leading this incredible department or division or organization, fill in the blank, but you're here. You have differentiated yourself to where you are now leading this incredible group of humans. And so here you are looking at them now individually. They're different. They're not all the same. Gosh, although they all have the same color eyes, they're all the same gender. Oh my God, they all look the same. But hold on, they're actually not the same. So what do I do to now start seeing them individually in their own genius, in their own expertise, in their own brilliance? Oh, okay. So this would take for me to assign some time with each of these individuals so that I can get to know them. So that I can extract maybe some potential that they didn't even know they had, but I get to see it because I'm standing outside of their brain and their body and their heart and their nervous system. So I get to see what they don't get to see. What if I spend some time with each of my employees? to maybe see something they don't see and maybe call it out and maybe help them extract that right i mean they're spending a third of their life with me uh and i'm the steward of of of this leadership practice in this time space right here with them so i i'm going to take my role very seriously by the way i'm a contemplative leader so you know i have some sacred responsibilities and this is one of them to get to know them at an individual level. Now, listen, I don't want to have coffee with them. I don't want to go to their kid's baptism. I don't want to go to their family reunions. No, it's not that kind of intimacy. No, it is, I see you. Have you thought about doing this differently, my friend? Maybe you should go get some professional development in this area. Here are your strengths, but I get to see some gaps too. And how about we do this together? Let me help you as your leader. That's differentiation. So when that employee sees that you care, sees that you truly see them for their genius, for their brilliance, they go, what? No one has ever done that before. This is the first leader who's ever asked a about my wellbeing? Who has ever cared about my professional development and growth? What? This is a person who actually sees my brilliance. You know, I actually forgot about that, but they saw something nuanced in me that I had forgotten I had. And wow, I trust this person. I feel safe with this person. I will move a mountain or two for this person and this team. Wow. So this employee, this individual employee gets to feel like he or she or they are seen and heard and deeply understood. Where else are they getting that, my friend? Probably not anywhere else. You know, they have forgotten to do it for themselves. But here you are being a contemplative leader who is proactive, who cares deeply about their team and their teammates individually. That's the thing I've always said. You have to see them individually to then be able to move them collectively. You have to see their strengths individually. And yes, their weaknesses, because that's your job is to be able to see that there are gaps so that you can help them fill those gaps. But then you get to see them now as a collective. Ooh, not in a glob. right? A nebulous cloud. No, you get to move them collectively because you know who carries what on the team, who has the strengths in this area, who's the one who's going to take the lead for this next project. Oh, it's that one in the back, that one in the back. He's awfully quiet, but now that I've gotten to know him, oh, I think he can lead this next project. I'm going to put him up front. Right. Or how about her? Oh, gosh, she is so great in this area. Well, this person over here has that big gap to fill still. But I'm going to give that assignment to her. So you see, because you've taken the time to see them on an individual differentiated level, that's a mouthful, you can now move them collectively. Oh, it's the best kind of leadership you could provide that you can serve. It is the best type of leader who is moving them collectively because they have spent enough time getting to know them at the individual level. And instead of putting them in this big nebulous group and leading them all the same, you have taken the time to pull out their individual brilliance, their genius, their expertise. So how do you make time for them? I know some of you are saying, but Denise, I have fifty plus people. You think I can do this? You think I don't have time to do this? They pay me my six-figure salary. They pay me to make decisions quickly. And I just don't have time to care. I just don't care. Well, guess what? Your employees just don't care. You are a reflection. They are a reflection of who we are. See, the leader-follower dyad is instrumental here. You have no idea how important it is for you to get yourself online, for you to get yourself ready. This is what contemplative leaders do because we know how important this dyad is between leader and follower. We take this very seriously. These are part of our sacred responsibilities. because I have a divine assignment. And if I know that is true, and if I know that is true, that I was divinely assigned to lead these very specific folks, then I must believe that they too individually are divinely assigned to be right here in this moment in time, in this team serving this department. I must believe then that if I have this divine assignment, then each of these individuals have their own divine assignments. And it is my job, my sacred responsibility as a contemplative leader to now see them as individuals that have divine assignments. So why were they brought to me during this time, space, reality? Why are they here under my stewardship? Ooh, let me find out. Then we get to know them. You can't afford not to do this, my friend. So if your brain is going into the, you're crazy, Denise, because that's just too many people to spend time with. Like I said, I'm not saying you're going to go have drinks with them after work or whatever. You know, go to their kids, you know, say bar mitzvah, but you're not going to go to their baptism. You're not going to go to their, their, you know, their birthday parties. Listen, no, we're not. That's not the kind of contemplatives we are. Okay. Like we've got our own families to tend to and, and nurture. Yeah. Let them do their jobs. But what I'm saying here is that when you take the time to see them as individuals, then the trust that is gained, it's earned because you have taken time to do this. So what does this look like pragmatically for you? Maybe it looks like, ooh, clearing your schedule this week. Yeah. Maybe all that nonsense on your agenda, on your calendar gets to be deleted. And maybe you look at your calendar ahead of time. I know there's some priorities you have to achieve, accomplish. I get it. You got results to create. No problem there. Those are important things you must keep on your calendar. But the other fluff and silliness and group meetings and daily meetings, get out of here. There's some stuff on your calendar that I could eliminate right now. Probably about sixty percent of the stuff you have right now, I can eliminate for you right now. So let me do that for you right now. So look on your calendar. What needs to stay? And if you have to look at this on a daily basis because that's how crazy your calendar is, that's cool. Then fine. Then look at your calendar right now. What could you eliminate today? Huh? What could you slash? What could you delete? And instead, you're going to add thirty minutes per employee. And listen, maybe it's just two today. Maybe you only have time for two people today. But you put them in for a thirty minute block with like a fifteen minute buffer time because who knows? You just may become so intrigued by this employee that you may need an extra few minutes with them. And so you're going to create a list of questions, questions that you want to know about them. Maybe it's the same questions. Maybe that stays standard. Maybe that stays the same. But the person in front of you is going to be different. Expect different answers. Be surprised. Be open. Be curious to being surprised. Like get ready to be surprised. Because these questions are going to pull out some things from them that they had no idea you cared about. They had no idea. that you cared to even explore, right? These are questions that you're genuinely interested in knowing, right? Some of these people you've inherited. I get it. A lot of us inherit our team's And then we sit there going, well, no wonder. No wonder y'all needed a new leader because this is what we have. Okay, I get that. I get that. So this is perfect timing for you to now take some time with them individually and coming up with some questions. And they could be, maybe there's four serious questions and one very silly one, right? Maybe it's like, hey, what are you reading right now? Now be careful. You may get an interesting response because every time I go, hey, you have a good book for me to read? Because I'm now moving into fiction. I've never read a single fiction book in my life. Maybe one or two. I don't know. Maybe in high school because I had to. But I've always read nonfiction. It's just my thing. It's just my thing. You would think I had written like, twenty non-fiction books by now because of how much I read. We're getting to that, I promise. But anyway, so when I ask somebody for a fiction, you know, recommendation, I'm like, ooh, that's romantic. Hmm, okay. Anyway, back to those questions, right? Maybe one's a really fun question, right? Maybe it's like, hey, what's your hobby? Tell me, I'm looking for a new hobby. You got one? What do you have? What are you doing? Maybe that's the fun question at the end of your time with them. And then after you meet with them, you go, you know, I'd like to see you again in like two weeks, just private time, personal time for you and I. And hey, maybe you come with some questions or some ideas, and we'll follow up then, yeah? Make this so casual. Listen, you have enough formal meetings. Maybe this is the informal one that they actually get to enjoy and experience with you, right? So maybe that's something to consider. So this doesn't have to be a formal thing. This could be so simple, but you do have to start with clearing out your calendar, right? Eliminating, deleting, getting rid of unnecessary, fluffy meetings. And maybe instead of going out to lunch with like two of your leader peers, maybe you just go, hey, I'm going to skip out this time because I actually want to have a thirty minute lunch with so and so. Maybe you ditch your peers for having some time with your employee. So again, when you get to see them as individual people, People who have individual gifts and talents, who have a unique divine assignment. Because listen, my divine assignment is unlike yours. Because you don't have the same nervous system, neurology, heart, spiritual body, emotional body. You and I could never have the same divine assignment. So know that your employees have their own individual divine assignments. Your sacred responsibility is to get to know what that is. You get to extract the brilliance. You get to see what's under the hood. You get to see what they haven't shared yet with you, right? Maybe it's dormant right now because they don't trust you. They don't see you as someone trustworthy. So they're afraid to show how smart they really are. I know I used to do that. I'm like, oh, I better not show this guy how smart I am because then he's going to make me do all this work. Right? Like, ugh, plus I don't trust him. He's just a loose cannon and he's a mean leader. I'm just, you know, I have quiet quit on this dude and, you know, I'm just passing the time. Right? How many of you are doing that right now? Well, guarantee, I guarantee your employees are doing the same. Some are doing what you are doing. So this gives them that opportunity to be seen by you, the leader, the one who's in charge of this mess, the one who's steering the ship. How wonderful would that be? And then you get to now see how you can lead them as a collective because now you know them individually. so you clear out that calendar as soon as you can get your people on your calendar as soon as you can write those very simple questions leave one fun question at the end and then maybe you end the meeting with with some kind of follow-up i don't know something where they can email you something Because after they walk out of that meeting, their brain is going to be spinning. They're going to go, whoa, somebody cares? Uh-oh, yikes. And so overnight, they may have some questions for you. So you tell them, hey, email me tomorrow morning. Let me know the effect of this meeting today. And if you have any questions, I'd love to hear from you. And then you follow up with them. Maybe you put a second meeting on the calendar with them, right? Maybe a third, maybe one that's on occasion, but at least you're starting to show interest and you're starting to see them in a different way. This can save your team. This could save your department. So if you're struggling with performance measurements, if you are losing sleep right now because you are stuck, maybe you're apathetic right now, maybe you are in revenge mode right now, maybe you are rage leading, like I used to rage lead on my people. My gosh, I was the worst leader ever. So if you're having some interesting emotions, that are yielding negative results, then maybe this is a way to resolve some of those internal issues that you're having right now. Leadership is the study of differentiation. And the impact that you're going to have, watch it. I guarantee you the impact that you will have on this team, on them individually, will be so powerful that they will move those mountains for you. A mountain or two probably, but you will build that trust that they are so desperate for right now. And plus you're a contemplative. So we do the hard work. And if you think this is hard, this is part of a contemplative, right? This is what we do. We're not reactive leaders. We're not running around with our hair on fire. Nope. We're not mean. We're not cruel. We're not abusive. We're not coercive. We're not manipulative. We deeply care because we know that we are all very different and that we all have a unique divine assignment. All right, leader, I hope this has served your heart today and your mind and your spiritual body. So you're going to want to reach out to me over on Instagram and LinkedIn. I don't know why I said Facebook the other day. I think I did that on the last episode. I don't like Facebook, but anyway, Instagram and LinkedIn is where you'll find me. Okay. And then DM me. your plan, how you plan to do this. Email me some of your questions that you're going to ask your employees. Let me know the results of these meetings and how much better of a leader you're going to be after doing this. Ooh, I cannot wait to hear from you. All right, leader, as always, wonderful to serve you. And I cannot wait to serve you again very soon. Take good care. Bye.
