Leader, if your title is heavy and your soul is tired, you're in the right place. This show is for the burnt out leader who feels spiritually disconnected and trapped in outdated toxic leadership models. Let me help you restore your presence, your peace, and your purpose with grounded strategies and soul rooted wisdom so you can lead your people with confidence, compassion, and conviction. I am your host and guide, Dr. Denise Simpson. Join me now so we can integrate spirit, science, and strategy. Hey there, leader. Welcome to our season finale show. Happy you are here taking some time for yourself. I am... Feeling a little bittersweet, although I do need some time, like I said on our last episode, to recommit and reconnect to this mission to serve you, this conviction I have to serve burnt out leaders out here, those who are spiritually disconnected, who are leading people, who are leading their families, their communities, their teams, their organizations. and they want to be whole and integrated again, like they intended to, like you were intended to be before the culture, organizational culture, and maybe your own culture, and society and all these interesting things that are out there told you you shouldn't be, huh? Yeah. We were told a lot of interesting things, right? We were trained to do some interesting things and then we realize, well, I'm burnt out. I'm exhausted. I'm so overwhelmed. I hate myself. I hate my team. I hate this life. What should I do now? This is where we get to reorientate ourselves. Ooh, it's almost like an awakening. It's like I tell my spouse all the time, I'm awake, boo. I'm awake now. I was asleep for a long time perpetuating these feelings. interesting cycles of emotional violence and other interesting behaviors that leaders are doing to one another and to their teams right now. And I said, nope, can't do that. My soul is awake. I am alive. And now I know too much and now I can't go back. So you're here because something within the last two seasons has drawn you to this work. whatever it is. It could have been something I said, could have been a show that you bookmarked, could have been something you shared with a teammate or a peer. I don't know, something resonated with your soul. Because the truth you can feel in your body, guess what? It's not in your mind. When you connect with a message, with a word, with a belief, with a conviction, you go, whoa, hadn't heard that before, or at least it hadn't been said that way. And now I can hear it. And now I can feel it. So it must be true. It's that simple, my friends. It's that simple. So start paying attention to the signals in your body, not the mind. Oh, the mind. Oh, like I've said before, it's your biggest asset, but it could be a powerful enemy. It is a powerful enemy. But around here, we train it to be our greatest asset. So don't worry. We'll get that gorgeous mind in order. And we're going to... I have a great conversation today. That's my commitment to you right now, is to talk about something that you can use right here, right now in your life, in your leadership practice, in your business, wherever you are finding you are needing some work. I want for you to take what resonates, leave what doesn't, and then contemplate what is connecting. And then when we meet again in a few weeks for season three. Season three is approaching, but listen, we're still here in season two. Let's wrap this show up, this whole season today. But I want to leave you with a powerful, powerful realization, something that I have realized for myself. I remembered the day that I realized how much unnecessary suffering I was experiencing and And I thought it was at the hands of everybody. I thought everybody's out to get me. I am too threatening for some folks. And now they're intentionally trying to disturb my peace and disturb my credibility. And oh my goodness, the suffering that I thought I was experiencing at the hands of others was so delusional. So this conversation that we're about to have today has been coming up in some personal relationships of mine, some personal intimate relationships. And we're talking about the difference between your expectations and reality. Your expectations that you have for others. for yourself, for how others should treat you, the expectations you have in how your children should behave, how your employer or your boss should treat you, how your government, And the leaders of that government should behave. So you've got expectations. That's reasonable, my friend. It's reasonable to expect to be treated fairly and just. It's... normal, I think, to expect to have some respect out in the workplace, huh? Yeah. Treat me with some respect. We're professionals here. We're not babies. You shouldn't talk to me this way. I'm not going to talk to you that way. So like their expectations. But here is what is happening in In our organizations, in our families, in our communities and in our government, we have expectations. Now you have your expectations. I have mine. Mine are unlike his. His are unlike theirs. So there are millions of us in this country, billions of us around the world who have our own unique expectations. So our expectations come from our programming, our conditioning, our beliefs, our values, our culture, our society, how we were parented or not parented. So we have these expectations. We didn't just one day go, here are my expectations. No, they have been accumulating unconsciously because of the life experiences that we individually have. And even then, no two siblings will have the same expectations of their parents. Read the science. You don't know what I'm talking about? Go see Gabor Mate, or I don't know how you say his name, Gabor Mate, whatever. He's an incredible psychotherapist, psychologist, forgive me, I don't know his actual title, but He has this ginormous book. It's called The Myth of Normal. And he talks about how siblings under the same roof experienced different parents. depending on the era, depending on the socioeconomic climate, depending on the government even, depending on what was happening in the relationship between the two parents. So the season that these children were raised in has a lot to do with expectations of that individual human. Let's also talk about the nervous system. Huh? Mine's different than yours. Yours is different than his. So the point is we are unique and individual. Dare I say we're little snowflakes. Yes, we are because we are unlike anybody else. So my expectations are unlike yours. Yours are unlike his. His is unlike theirs. Wow, how beautiful the diversity in this world. My goodness, I'm so happy no one else is like me. Wow, because I'm tortured in here most of the time. My goodness, the enemy that lives within me. Thank God there's no one else like me out there. Yay. So back to you, leader, and your unique expectations, the expectations that you have in an intimate, loving relationship. What are those? Monogamy? Is that something important to you or not? Is respect something important to you or not? What do you expect? And remember, expectations include those values and the beliefs you have around those values. Values and beliefs like this. Values and beliefs like this. What we value, we will create a belief around. What you value, you will create a belief around. Think about how entangled your values are with your belief systems. This is why it is hard to break habits, to break relationships, to end marriages, to end employer relationships, because these values and beliefs are so entangled. So back to you, leader. Your expectations. Let's talk about the expectations you have in the workplace. Do you expect to be treated fair and just? Or not? Do you expect to be paid for your expertise and the mastery that you've earned? Or not? So start looking at the area. And there may be multiple areas in your life right now, my friend. Multiple areas in your life right now that need a little attention. And because I serve you, leader, ooh, I serve all of you and all aspects of you. So think about the area in your life where you just go, okay, ooh, I'm going to put this under the microscope. This area right here, this one right here. Because my expectations have been here. but reality, hear me closely, hear this one for yourself, hear this one, better yet, feel it, feel it. Your expectations have not met your reality. Ooh, here's reality, but reality is down here, but your expectations are up here. Ooh, how many of us are seeing this right now play out in our government? We expect fairness. We expect justice. We expect to be treated like humans with dignity and respect. Our peer, that's reasonable. I think that's reasonable. Expectations are reasonable, right? The golden rule. Has anybody ever heard of the golden rule? Come on now. So here are your expectations, but reality is not meeting you up here. It's actually fallen short. Ooh, ooh, there's the gap. There's the gap between reality and your expectations. Ooh. And when your expectations does not match your reality, suffering happens. Ooh, suffering happens in your mind, in your body, in your spirit. You become disconnected from yourself because here you were living in your mind saying, I expect this. This is what I expect. Why hasn't this been met? Why are they falling short on this? And then we start to suffer. So then we start to believe we're suffering at the hands of others. Oh, Emmy just left. Esmeralda just left my office. She's like, it's getting heated in here. Mama's raising her hands. I got to go. She'll be back. So we begin to suffer when our expectations do not match reality. So the question is, what do we do? Do we lower our expectations? Do we unravel our values? Do we take a second guess or second look at our belief systems? Should we change who we are? And the question is no. The answer to those questions is no. No, you don't need to change. Now listen, I'm all about agility and malleability in the mind, for sure, for sure, especially when this thought blocker is sometimes your worst enemy, it's good to check in to see like, okay, like, can I question this or should I not question this? Am I? Okay. So, so you be the judge of that. Okay. I'm not, I don't have time for that on this episode, but let's just assume that, you know, these are reasonable requests, like, especially in a relationship, like, and by the way, We live on relationships. The relationship you have with yourself, ooh, number one, ooh, big time, super important, huh? How about the relationship with your lover, partner, spouse, whatever, right? And those are the intimate ones that you want to, you know, like work on, right? Relationships with your children, ooh, so important, but some of y'all out here are neglecting those relationships. How about relationship with, I was going to say your mailman. No, just kidding. Relationship with your neighbor. How about your relationships with your neighbors? Love you all. If you're watching this, my goodness, you're great neighbors. How about the relationship you have with your doctor? Like, I want to trust you, dude. Or I want to trust you, chick. Like, please make sure you know what you're doing and keeping up with your CMEs because like my body is evolving. Science is evolving. And I'm hoping because you're the authority in this space, you're evolving too, right? So there's a relationship I have with my doctor too. Dr. T, if you're listening, love you. I'll see you soon. Right. The relationship we have with our peers, relationship we have with our employers. Ooh, how about the relationship? The relationship you have with source, God, spirit, higher power. How about that relationship? So we have these relationships that we want to nurture, right? These are the relationships that are most important to us that we want to nurture. So look around you, look around your life. What area of your life do you want to explore? Do you want to put under the microscope or get curious about? Because if there is suffering in that area of your life, it's more than likely because your expectations have not matched reality. Reality has fallen short for you. Now here's what I want us to highlight, underscore, and put on a post-it note. You're a contemplative leader. This is what we're doing. We're contemplating life right now. We contemplate, we ponder, we reflect, we meditate, we pray on some things. And what we get to do as contemplatives is we get to see and almost like have this higher version of ourselves looking down on what's happening in three-D reality. Contemplatives, we're spiritual. We're connected to a higher power. We're divinely connected. There's so much that we get to tap into as contemplatives. And so we get to have these higher, almost order thinking. It's not critical thinking, so to speak, but it's just like we're like detaching ourselves from the three-D reality. And we get to like hover above. We get to hover above. And it's just an imaginative visualization thing that we do. And we just get to look down below and go, oh, that's some interesting energy we're putting out down there. Wow. Okay. So what I'm seeing here as just an observer, an impartial spectator, so to speak, looking down below is, wow, Denise, you're at the effect of those standards or expectations that weren't met. Yikes, girl, you are at the effect of that person's behaviors or lack of integrity or lack of fairness or justice. And for me, when I like detach and I fly above the situation, I get to see things so clearly for myself. And I go, oh, yeah, yikes. You're giving all that power away, girl. What are we doing? That's what you're doing. When you become the affected person. So there's cause versus effect. I talk about this all the time. I love to talk about this. And if you're in the sanctuary, get ready. We're going to talk about cause and effect. So when you are at the effect of uncontrollable circumstances, fill in the blank, uncontrollable variables, uncontrollable circumstances, like your mother-in-law not liking you, Like your spouse's ex-wife wanting to kill you. Like your children not wanting to obey your rules. Like the government doing whatever the hell they want to do and sacrificing some people along the way. So you have these uncontrollable variables, meaning that you have no control over of those outcomes, of how these people behave, on how they think of you, what they think of you. You have no control of what they believe or think about you, right? That's none of your effing business. It's none of your business. That's the attitude, the essence, the energy that I want you to bring to every situation. I can't control that dude's opinions about me. I can't control the trolls on my YouTube channel. Boy, you all are out there. Holy crap, you are out there. I can't control people disliking the way I look. I don't give a crap what you think about my lipstick, my hair, my attitude. I don't give a shit because I can't control that. So why would I expend an ounce of energy trying to? It's futile, my friend. I'm not going to waste my time. But here's what I want to do instead. I want to be at cause in this situation, meaning that I get to empower myself with what I can control, which are my thoughts, which are my emotions, which are my actions. That's what I can control. And guess what? I can take you out of the equation and then I can think for myself at this moment. And then I get to contemplate what to do next. What's within my power in this situation? Can't control the government from here, but ooh, you best know I vote. I can control by my vote. I can influence my community by talking about this. But I cannot control. control what these people have decided to do. So instead of suffering at the hands of these people, I'm going to be at cause. I'm not going to be at the effect. I'm going to be at cause. We contemplatives are so powerful in this way. Start thinking like one, start behaving as such because contemplatives are going to change the world. Mark my words with this thinking, with this way of thinking and seeing the world. This way, my friend, you get to end suffering. Don't you want that? Don't you want to end the suffering? See, there's pain and suffering pain. I've life. I've said this so many times. Life will serve you a platter, even on a silver platter, my friend, and it's going to make it look like, see, look, here's, here's this beautiful platter, but here's a shit ton of pain. Yeah. Okay, cool. Fine. I understand life is going to serve me pain. And that's where we need to stay agile, malleable, at cause instead of at the effect of life. Because pain, oh, that's an expectation. That's reasonable, isn't it? That's an expectation. It's reasonable. And when it gets here, I will have the coping strategies, the coping mechanisms. I will have the attitude. I will have the know-how to navigate those uncontrollable circumstances called pain. Pain. Okay. When I was suffering. Oh, unnecessary. Un-freaking-necessary. Suffering is a choice. And a lot of us out here are choosing to suffer because we're tuning in to the wrong crap. We're listening in to the wrong crap. We are so influenced and inspired by all this garbage out there. Garbage in, garbage out. garbage in, garbage out. The garbage that you input, trust me, it's coming out. Output in your work behavior, in the way you treat your lover, in the way you treat your children, and how you respond to how the world is on fire right now. So garbage in, trust me, your output will be garbage out. I'm a little worked up, as you can see. My dog has not returned or has she? I don't know. She may be under my desk now. But listen, I want to end this season with a conversation right here, right now with us, with me, you and me, just you and me. Yeah, just you and I. Because I want you to step away from this episode and I want for you to go find an area of your life. You don't have to look far, my friend, okay? We're not living perfect lives. I sure the hell don't have a perfect life. I can easily find multiple areas in my life that I can put under the microscope or get curious about. And so now ask yourself, you know, there's some pain here. This relationship has caused me a lot of pain. And in moments, I have felt suffering. Hmm. And the suffering looks like mental rumination. It feels like depression sometimes. Ooh, sometimes it even shows up as anxiety. Gosh, there's lack of trust here. Oh, I'm always undermined or disrespected. Oh, will this ever end? So suffering may look different for you than it does for me. But let's be honest. Let's start looking at this very specific area. Choose one. If you have more than one, just choose the one. The one that is causing suffering. Because you're at the effect. Right now, you're at the effect. But we're going to change this boat around, my friend. Ooh, we're going to turn this around. We're going to turn this around. And you're going to see for yourself that between now and the time I return for season three, things will be different in your thinking and in your perspective. This is what contemplatives do. We take information, wisdom, earned wisdom that someone is sharing with you. someone who has learned the hard way and who helps hundreds, if not thousands of leaders out here. I want for you to take what resonates and then leave the rest. But take what resonates and then go apply it right away. Don't sit on this. Don't wait for something magical to happen. We're contemplatives. All we do is reflect and contemplate. Somebody said that to me. Like, what do you just sit kumbaya all day? Oh, no, my friend. We're quite proactive. But we do some thinking first so that we don't come out here like fools like the rest of you all. No, there's a different quality in how we lead, my friend. So take the information that does resonate with you and that feels true to you in your body and then go apply it. Go apply this because I want to end suffering now in you right here in whatever area of your life that you are experiencing this suffering. Remember, pain is inevitable. but our minds turn it into suffering. See what I mean? This is your greatest ally, but it could be your most powerful enemy. And there's days where the enemy comes through so much stronger than the ally. And I believe that when you are suffering, that enemy is in full effect. That enemy is moving the narrative. It is moving you into the space of deep, deep suffering. And what does this do? This impacts your entire life. So you think this one tiny area that you're suffering does not affect the rest of your life? That's BS. Because how you do one thing is how you do everything. Because you take your brain and your heart everywhere you go. Don't think you can compartmentalize an area of your life and shove that suffering down and not think that it's impacting the rest of your life. That's a big mistake. That's a big mistake. So take this area and then get curious about it and start mulling this over. Start reflecting on this. Okay. It's okay, Denise. Expectations are up here. Reality fell short. Okay. I get that much. There is a gap. There's a gap. Again, do I lower my expectations, my standards? No, no. But sure, good thing you're questioning that. So yeah, I mean, you can question it and say, well, you know, he's only human. And he's a mere mortal. And he's just as messed up as I am. And, you know, I know how hard it is for me to change. Why would I think he could change, you know? Yeah. And gosh, you know, he had a harder life. Not that I'm comparing my suffering to his, but gosh, you know, he's never had help. He's never gotten therapy. Like he doesn't know better, so he can't do better, but I know better and I can do better. So, okay. Maybe my expectations were unreasonable in this season and maybe I can adjust them. So that's for you to decide. that's for you to decide. Like, that's something I had to decide in my personal intimate relationship with my spouse. I'm like, whew, you thought you were okay? Sir, you're not. I love you, but whew, wow, wow, wow, wow. And that's when my expectations started to relax a little bit. It's like, okay, I'm so hard on him, which means I'm probably super hard on myself. Wow. You know what? I want to have grace for myself so that I can have grace for him. Because I want to be in this relationship. I made a decision to be in this relationship until my last breath. That was my decision. And I recommit and I choose him every day. I choose him every day. And so we're going to go through some rough times. And yeah, we're going to have some disagreements and we're going to have lots of opportunities to challenge each other and question whether we made the right decision or not. And something that I started to tell him every day is I choose you. I choose you today. And that's me recommitting to the relationship. Because my expectations were, ooh, yee, and reality was falling short for us. Oh, he had some expectations of me too. And trust me, his reality was falling short too. This isn't one way. And so we had to do some work on that. And yeah, we suffered for a bit in our relationship. And now we are back in the swing of recommitting to this extraordinary relationship that we have. We had to look at our shared values again, because I have mine. He has his. Yep. But as a couple, as us in this incredible covenant that we created with God, like we have these values and we have to reassess those values. We have to reflect on them because we're evolving individually. And so, of course, our values are going to evolve individually. But how about as a shared couple? We have some values there, too. Those are the ones that are going to keep us connected and recommitted to each other. So that's just one example that I can give you of many, of many that I have tried and experienced and experimented with throughout the last fifteen years, twenty years. And I just want to bring this to you so that as we wrap up the season, and we are now, I want for you to contemplate what area of your life you want to reflect upon and then start asking yourself some of these questions. And I'm going to be back in just a few short weeks to keep serving you later. So I think it's a good time to end this conversation with you. By the way, I'd love to hear from you. I'm on social media. You can Check me out over on Facebook, not Facebook. I mean, I'm on Facebook, but I barely even go there. Instagram, slide into my DMs, my friend. I'd love to hear from you. Or over on LinkedIn. All right, leader. I hope my prayer is that this episode has helped shift your perspective on suffering and And when our expectations do not match our reality, the suffering because of that gap, there is great suffering that happens at our own hands, not at somebody else's. There is the power shift. There is that slight shift in energy that brings all the power back to you because you are at cause, not at the effect anymore. So take what resonates with you, leave the rest, and then put this into practice and then reach out to me on this very short break between seasons because I want to hear from you. And as always, I want to invite you into the sanctuary, the sanctuary for contemplative leaders. What are you waiting for? Go join me in this community. It's brand new. There's just a handful of us in there right now at the time of this recording. And I'm hoping that we can bring in some more incredible contemplative leaders like you into this space where we can speak freely. We can go deep. We can reflect. We can meditate. We can pray together. without the algorithms tracking us, without all that crazy doom scrolling happening outside of our space. No, this is a sacred space that I created and curated for people like us. So join me as soon as possible. If you're watching or listening in the show notes, you'll have a link to join me now. Get in there ASAP. All right, my friend, I am wishing you a wonderful break because I'm going to have a wonderful break and I will be back with season three, season three for you. All right, leader, stay in touch and I'll see you all very soon. Take good care. Bye for now. Hey, before you go, if today's episode served you, please consider subscribing or even leaving a review. Or you can share this with a leader who is desperate to find peace right now. Now, if you're craving a deeper refuge, somewhere where you can return to the stillness, I created a sacred space. It's called the sanctuary. Here is where you can reconnect to your divine assignment. Thanks again for listening today, leader. Until next time, take very good care. Bye for now.
