Speaker 1: Hi, I'm Denise Simpson, a master life and leadership coach who helps women step into their authentic and feminine power so they can lead like visionaries, influence with grace, and create a legacy of contribution and service. You'll hear about real leadership clients with real problems navigating their success in life, [00:00:30] business, and career. If you're ready to become a masterful leader, then this podcast was made for you. So let's get started.
Speaker 1: Welcome, leader. I am so excited to serve you. Today. We are going to talk about something really important to me and something that I've had to really work on, and it is knowing when [00:01:00] to ask for help. When do you know when to ask for help? Ask for help in your leadership practice. Ask for help in your intimate relationship. Ask for help with your health and wellness. Ask for help from your mother-in-law to come and babysit the kids for a few hours. How do you know when to ask for help? Like, what limit do you have to reach? What saturation point? [00:01:30] Where is that saturation point for you when you know it's time to ask for help? I bring this up because I recently needed help in my business and was so afraid to ask for help. That feeling of fear was something that I really wanted to dissect.
Speaker 1: Why was I afraid? Why was I fearful in asking for help? And as I brainstormed and I [00:02:00] did some self coaching around this, it really came down to, well, what are they gonna think of me if I have to ask them for help? What is it about them that I'm fearful about? Is it what they think about me or what they could possibly think about me? Why don't I wanna ask this person for help? So I explored that emotion of fear, and I was exploring [00:02:30] it in my body because I've had to learn to really connect my mind and my body. A lot of us are so disconnected from our emotions that landis feelings in our body. So feelings are the physiological response of an emotion, and it is felt in the body somewhere. So where did fear land for me? It landed for me in my chest.
Speaker 1: That's where fear usually lands. When I feel powerful and [00:03:00] I feel confident that lands in my solar plexus, it's in my stomach. I'm just like, let's go. Punch me. I'm ready. But fear and the feeling of afraid lands right in my chest, and it feels tight for me. And so I was exploring in my mind, and as I was writing things out, where was it landing? What were my thoughts about this other person that I wanted to ask for help? Why [00:03:30] was that causing so much agitation in my body? And why? Why was I fearful? And so I'll give you a little bit of, of why I needed help. I needed help from an expert in regards to a tax credit, something that, uh, you know, I was looking at for the business, and I know this person very well and is an expert in this area.
Speaker 1: And I was thinking of all the ways [00:04:00] that I could approach this person. And nevermind, I hadn't reached out to them over the holidays, nevermind that, you know, it had been a few months that I had reached out. I was really afraid of what they would think about me asking them for help. And this was an acquaintance who I've known for many years, and I had to just really brainstorm, why, why can't I just pick up the phone? [00:04:30] Why am I worried about this? If my husband was to pick up the phone and reach out this to this person, he'd be like, yeah, no worries. Done. But why am I ruminating over the thoughts that they may have about me? Because it's not like I can control what they think about me. Like I can't, you know, get into their brains and manipulate their thoughts about me.
Speaker 1: Like, no way. Like, I know that logically. So why, why was I hesitant? Why was I ruminating over this? And I got worried about it? [00:05:00] I really did get worried about it because I thought, well, this is the only person that can help me and look at me. I'm just a mess and I really need to unravel this, and I need to do something about this and do some self coaching. My goodness, all the thoughts that came up because of the emotion of fear. And what it came down to really was this image that I want to protect the image of a competent businesswoman, the image of a woman who is resourceful. [00:05:30] My reputation is what really I was, I was protecting. And I had to really come to terms with that. What does that even mean, ? Why, why do I need to protect an image?
Speaker 1: An image of what? an image of a person who's, who's secretly suffering, who wants for the world to think that she is great at, at business? Like, what is happening here? And so I really dug deep into some memories [00:06:00] that I had as a little girl. I am a child of abuse. And so for me, a coping mech mechanism was to be invisible in a room. I didn't want attention on me. I didn't want accolades, achievement. I didn't want anybody to say anything about me. I didn't even wanna be spoken to. I wanted to be invisible. First of all, there was a lot of shame around the abuse that I had. So that, that was a, that's definitely, um, [00:06:30] a contributing factor. But I thought, well, if I don't draw attention to myself, then they won't know how dumb I am , right? Like, they won't actually know how incompetent I am.
Speaker 1: And so there were so many things that came up. Memories when I was a little girl, my sisters would tell the neighbors and whomever that I was adopted because I looked different from them. And [00:07:00] I wanted to be invisible. I wanted to hide. I didn't want for anybody to ask me any questions. Are you really adopted? Who are, who are your parents? Like, watch you. Where did you, where did they find you? So I would avoid conversations. I would avoid speaking up because I didn't want them to, to think that I was scared and that maybe I was adopted and my parents hadn't told me. .
Speaker 1: So many things that came up because of this search. I went [00:07:30] on a search, I went into my unconscious mind, I went deep into some shadows, things that I had buried, things that I, you know, had forgotten. And I brought them to the surface, not in a, oh crap, I need therapy way, but in a, oh, wow. Well that explains everything way. Yeah, well, that makes sense. So it wasn't this, you know, harsh critic type of searching. It was, yeah, [00:08:00] of course I would behave this way today, of course, because it's not my fault, of course. So I took really the, the, the blame away from me so that I could then go, okay, well, since it's not my fault, and I was just a little girl and I was embedded with all this neurology, and here I am a grown ass woman, and you know, I'm behaving this way, it's really not my fault.
Speaker 1: So, okay, this is not my fault. What do you wanna do next? [00:08:30] And what I did next was I reached out to that person and I said, listen, I know you're probably really bi busy. It's the start of the year. Sorry, I haven't reached out in a while, but I've got a really important question for you. Tax season is here and I really need to, to brainstorm with you. And the person wrote back, let's do it. When can you meet ? And so I thought, okay, that wasn't so hard, but I had to do the unwinding. [00:09:00] I really had to do the splunking in my brain to come to terms with this moment, to come to terms with this particular circumstance. Why was I so afraid to ask for help? And he were the reasons why. So if you don't bring your all this mess to the unconscious mind, then you spin in this vicious cycle of, of blame and shame and, and all the other fearful thoughts that come up.
Speaker 1: [00:09:30] And so it's important that we do self-coaching, and it's important that we take some time and go, well, why am I behaving this way? It's not logical. You know, this isn't logical behavior. So then what's going on? Is it at the unconscious level of my mind? Is there something buried underneath that I have yet to, to, to relieve or to resolve? Oh, it was just all these memories. Okay? So if you're going, Denise, I don't know what the hell you're talking about. Unconscious [00:10:00] mind, bringing it to the forefront. What are you doing splunking? What is all this mess? , it's something we do in the institute. We talk a whole lot about the unconscious mind, because that's where our behaviors come out, right? That's where our habits are housed. That's where our memories are placed. The habits of emotion are there, the habits of thought are there, the habits of action are there.
Speaker 1: So it's, they're buried there. Your values are buried [00:10:30] there as well. And I say buried, but they're, they're, they reside in there. They're not buried like a corpse. They're . They're, they're residing at the unconscious level of your mind. So they're not at the forefront of your brain, right? So that's, that's the only difference, is that you're not, you know, doing physics or you're actively doing a math problem, which is what we use at the conscious level of our mind. No, it's, it's buried at the unconscious. It's residing at the unconscious level. That's where it is. And that's how the brain preserves some energy. [00:11:00] That's it. And so there were some memories that were deeply resided in my unconscious mind that I wanted to dick up and explore a little more. That's what I, what I had to do. So now let me ask you, how do you know what to ask for help?
Speaker 1: How do you know when to ask for help? Have you reached a limit? Have you reached a saturation point? Have you said, that's it, I've done everything I could and now I need help? Or there's just no way I can do this alone. I finally [00:11:30] need to call my mother-in-law and, and ask for some help with these kids, right? What is it that, that you need to know to be able to then ask for help? Do you need to know that you're safe in asking somebody else for, for help? Meaning psychological safety, right? We take this to the corporate world. Our employees have to work up their minds and really work up the, the gall to ask for help. They may be ruminating [00:12:00] right now, whether to ask you for help because they are so afraid to be found out they don't feel safe in asking for help.
Speaker 1: I guarantee you, your employees are contemplating all this in their minds. You, my friend, are probably doing it as well. If I ask my c e o for help, what will she think of me? Will she think that I'm incompetent? Will she think that I'm [00:12:30] a fraud? What will they think of me? But here I am desperate. I've reached a point and I need help. I cannot move further if I don't get help. So then you have a storm, a perfect storm of thoughts and emotions, and then you reach a point and say, that's it. I just, I'm not a great leader. I can't do this. They're gonna find me out. You know what? I'm just gonna start looking for another job. Forget it. [00:13:00] Right? We get to these points in our, in our lives or in our careers where we throw our hands up without taking the time to explore, right?
Speaker 1: Taking the time to explore. Why do I feel this way? It's not logical. I'm pretty successful. I have failed a whole lot, , I've done a lot of great things and a lot of really interesting things, but I'm here. So why am I so afraid in this particular situation? What is it about [00:13:30] this person that I'm afraid to ask for help? What is going on at the unconscious level of my mind? I bring this up to you because so many women that I coach put their hands up in the air and say, that's it, I'm done. I'm gonna get that divorce. I'm gonna quit that job. I'm gonna run away. , right? There's so many women leaders out here [00:14:00] that don't have the tools to assess what is happening under the hood of their brains. They don't understand that. It just takes a few minutes to unravel what's happening with just a few questions, right?
Speaker 1: This is what we get to do in the institute. We give you those tools so that you can say, you know, okay, I'm only human. I'm allowed to feel this way, and now I'm gonna put pen to paper, and I'm gonna [00:14:30] ask myself some quality questions so that I can under better understand this circumstance, this particular situation. So why am I not able to ask for help? Is it my pride? Is it that I'm protecting my reputation? Or am I just so darn resourceful that I've never asked for help or needed to ask for help because I go find the solution myself, right? What is it for you? [00:15:00] For me, it's fear. For me, it's, oh gosh, they're gonna know I'm incompetent and I have a reputation to protect. Some of you are like, no. Well, I'm pretty damn resourceful, and you know, I don't need anybody's help.
Speaker 1: I'm just gonna go find it, period. So why bother asking for help? So like, there's two ends of that spectrum. And for me, I fall really on the what are they gonna think side? How are they going to think of me moving forward? Will they judge me? Will they think I'm [00:15:30] less than worthy? Will they think that I have been faking it this whole time? Will they think that I'm not capable of running this business? Will they think that I'm just a complete fool? So for me, it was the fear of what they were going to think of me, and that really drove a lot of my rumination and worriness. So I, I took the time to [00:16:00] do this work, and I want to invite you to take the time to do this work, too. So how do you know when to ask for help?
Speaker 1: Is the first question. How do you know when to ask for help? Is it a particular area of your life where you just say, that's it, you know, I could do leadership really damn well, and I'm super resourceful in that area, but, you know, raising these kids well, that's a whole other story. So I need help in that area. Or how about those of you who are on a weight loss journey, right? You may have great [00:16:30] family relationships, great intimate relationships, but it, your health and wellness is suffering, and you don't know what to do about it. You're like, well, I've tried everything. I'm great at every other part of my life. It's just this one area. I just don't know how to, who to ask for help, how to ask for it. So look at the areas of your life where you are wanting to ask for help.
Speaker 1: And then ask yourself, what about this area? [00:17:00] is keeping me from asking for help. Am I ashamed? Do I feel guilt because I've put on all this weight and I should know better. I'm super smart. I'm super successful. Why is it that I can't lose the last 20 pounds? Right? What is it, what area is it for you? And then why is it so hard for you to ask for help in this area? And then the third thing I want for you to do is ask yourself, [00:17:30] well, is it fear-based? Do I fear what they're going to think of me? Or is it the other side of the spectrum? I just, I'm so resourceful, I don't really care to ask for help because I, I get it done. Right? What side of this, the spectrum are you on? Right? It's a spectrum. So there's many variations on that spectrum for me.
Speaker 1: I, I, like I said, I tend to lean towards the fear. What will they think of me? I fear what they will think of me. Maybe it's the same for you. Maybe [00:18:00] it's a combination of a few things. But the point of this exercise is to bring these quality questions to your thinking so that you don't spend so much time ruminating in worriness, ruminating in negative thoughts and emotions and, and be able to ask for help that help that you need and deserve. So my friend, how do you ask for help moving forward? [00:18:30] I am going to take note, take a few minutes, and this is like a 10 minute process. This isn't more than that, but for me, it really looked at behaviors and patterns that I brought from my childhood into my adulthood. And it took a 10 minute work, little exercise, I was gonna say workout .
Speaker 1: Ooh. It did feel like a workout, 10 minute exercise to really get to the forefront [00:19:00] of my mind, just to bring it back up to the forefront. And without judgment, I said, okay, I'm not blaming myself. Mm-hmm. There were some really mean people in my life, , there were some really, really bad adults in my life, and that's their fault. And guess what I'm, I have, I'm a grown woman who has agency over my mind and how I wanna think about this situation moving forward. So what will you do next? And I picked up the phone and [00:19:30] reached out to this person. So take this quick exercise and ask yourself, in what area of your life are you wanting to ask for help, but ha but are afraid to or maybe haven't been able to come to terms with asking for help? And then ask those quality questions and bring all that up to the surface of your, of your brain. So my friend, this could be a 10 minute quick exercise to get you moving forward and asking [00:20:00] for help. All right, my friend, I hope this was helpful. I know it, it was for me because this is, this is what I'm doing firsthand. This is what I'm learning firsthand, and I'm always open to sharing this with you. All right, take good care of yourself, my friend. I'll catch up with you on our next episode. And bye for now.
Speaker 1: Hey, leader, do you want weekly leadership tips, coaching and training straight to your email inbox? Yeah, I [00:20:30] thought so. Head over to dr denise simpson.com/leadership. Again, that's dr denise simpson.com/leadership. Just submit your name and your email address and we'll get started right away. I look forward to serving you inside your email inbox. See you soon.
